Parenting Advice I’m Glad I Didn’t Listen To

There’s a lot of incredible parenting advice out there. But with every good piece of advice, there’s also a… not so good piece of advice. With all the parenting content I’ve consumed over the years, there’s some I tried and totally did not work at all and some I didn’t even try because I knew it wouldn’t work for my own kids.

Before we get into it, if some of these have worked for you or think would work for you, that’s amazing. Every kid is so unique and every situation is so different that what works for me may not work for you and vice versa. And some of these may be hot takes. So without further ado, let’s get into the parenting advice that didn’t work for me.

Feeding Babies Baby Food

We did baby led weaning for both of our kids and have absolutely no regrets! I think it’s a brilliant way to introduce food to babies, but it definitely came with some skepticism from those around us and some understandable anxieties. If you prepare foods correctly, introduce the right foods at the right times, and follow some guidelines, it’s a good way to start getting your baby familiar with all different sorts of textures and tastes. So I’m glad we didn’t end up using those baby food jars or just pureed foods when we introduced solids to our kids.

Morning Baskets

I’ve seen these all over social media. If you aren’t familiar with morning baskets, it’s the idea of putting together a small basket of activities and toys that are unique or are in a rotation to your child to hopefully take up the first part of the day so that you can have a morning coffee uninterrupted. But it always looked like way too much work to me and we never did them. I did think about it, though, at a certain point, but the problem was it kept tempting me to buy more for my kids. More books, more crafts, more activities, etc. to have these beautifully curated baskets for each morning. But my kids didn’t need more. They actually needed less. So although morning baskets seemed like a good idea on the surface, I didn’t like what it tempted for me and my family. But if they work for you, that’s amazing.

Time Outs

This is one we did try for a while with my first child. I used to love watching “Supernanny”. And we implemented exactly her style of time out. We started with a warning. If my daughter still didn’t listen, she went to time out in a certain spot away from us. We did one minute for every year (i.e. when she was 3 years old, it was 3 minutes). Then at the end of her timer, we asked why she was in time out, gave her a hug, told her to say sorry, and then she got to go play again.

Now, I’m not saying to not do this. But at least for my child, what I noticed was during time out, she would scream and cry more than I’d ever seen her do. To the point where it was hard for her to catch her breath. It didn’t feel right to me. And it really didn’t work to change the behavior. She still had trouble listening, I still ended up yelling, she still broke the rules, etc.

After reading “Hunt Gather Parent” (my favorite parenting book now!), I realized this was not the only way to discipline. In fact, it might be doing more harm. So we implemented other methods of teaching better behaviors and discouraging the bad. And I felt so much more relief with it and saw better results. So while time outs may work for some families and some kids, we no longer do them and I’ve found better methods for us.

Chore Charts

This is one I so commonly see. A chart where each child is assigned a certain chore each day and gets a star or sticker if they complete it. Maybe the child is assigned a different chore each day or maybe its the same ones. Maybe it’s just one chore or maybe it’s several. I’ve been so close to buying cute little chore charts off of Etsy so many times. But I never did and after doing some further reading, I never will.

The reason? I’d rather teach my kids that chores are just a basic expectation. They aren’t an “above and beyond”. They aren’t “rewarded”. They’re just part of being in our family. And there isn’t one specific chore they have to do. I want them to feel intrinsically motivated to tidy up their toys, help me set the table, unload the dishwasher, feed the dogs. And I do this by asking them for help (a lot!) throughout the day. I don’t necessarily force them to help, but I’ve found that they want to help and the more you give them the opportunity to do so, the more they will proactively look for ways to help without you prompting. This was another key lesson from “Hunt Gather Parent” that totally changed my whole outlook on involving kids in the housework.

Tidying While They Nap

Along the same lines as my chore charts above, I stopped tidying up the house (to a certain extent) while the kids nap. I used to take that as my opportunity to clean up all their toys, mop, do the laundry, etc. But now I wait to do certain chores like those until the girls are awake to give them the opportunity to help. My 4 year old LOVES helping me clean the windows in the house, mop the floor, fold her clothes. And my 2 year old LOVES helping me load the washer and unload the dryer. And even though neither of them love to pick up their toys, that’s absolutely an expectation in our home.

When I used to do this during their nap, it sent the message that their toys magically get cleaned for them. So even though there are certain chores they aren’t old enough to help with yet that I do like to get ahead of while they rest, most I now reserve for while they’re awake.

Involving Myself Heavily in their Play

Every now and then, I love sitting down on the floor and playing with my girls. Helping them build a lego set, playing Candyland, or playing pretend with their animals in the farm. But I’ve taken a step back from this. Instead of actively engaging with the toys, I sit near them and just observe. And I only now get involved if they ask for help. Otherwise, I don’t correct if they aren’t doing something right and I don’t try to add to the story they are making up in their heads. I want to encourage as much independent play as possible.

I’ve also stopped being the referee between my two girls. They are still not great at playing with each other (it’s getting a little bit better), but there are so many times where they don’t know how to share or they start screaming. But unless they actually start hurting each other, I don’t step in. 9 times out of 10 they’ll figure it out by themselves and resolve it. If they don’t, I usually just calmly separate them without saying a word and that defuses the situation. But picking sides and telling them which one was right for each situation is something I’ve stopped doing. I’ve noticed it only makes them more resentful of each other and doesn’t help them play better together next time.

Overly Protective With Outside Play

This one is so hard but so important. In The Collapse of Parenting (an incredible parenting book), it talks a lot about helicopter parents and how we can make our kids more fearful and anxious towards the world than they need to be by being too protective. There’s of course a balance here. We can’t be neglectful, but we also don’t need to scare our children to the point where they don’t even want to go outside. So I’ve tried to find that balance.

What does this look like for us? I try to use this as my guiding principle. Is the realistic worst that could happen right now a bruise or bump? Then let the child figure it out. If it’s anything worse than that, stay closer, but try to remain “invisible”.

You know your child best. My 4 year old has gotten so much more confident and independent at playgrounds now. I can trust her for the most part when she is climbing, sliding, swinging, etc. I very seldom intervene unless she asks. My 2 year old is still in that phase where I’m hovering a bit more. But I try to be an invisible hover as much as I can be. So stay close but not intervene. Unless she’s very high up, I try not to worry.

For even more information on this one, I so recommend reading “The Collapse of Parenting” for even more great tips. We want our children to stay curious and adventurous. And if you want to balance this with keeping them safe, another great read is “Protecting the Gift”.

I’d love to hear about the parenting advice you’re glad you didn’t listen to and the advice you’re glad you did!

Happy parenting!