How To Stop Being an Angry Mom

This might end up being my favorite (but hardest) post yet because I was an angry mom for so long. I still work at it every day, but it was my biggest source of fear and anxiety. I didn’t want to yell and be the mom always arguing and fighting with her kids. And at the end of those days of timeouts, screams, and tears, I was emotionally exhausted. But I didn’t know how to stop being an angry mom.

My life completely changed after reading “Hunt, Gather, Parent” by Michaeleen Doucleff. There is a whole section of this book dedicated to raising a calm, emotionally intelligent child. And spoiler alert: one of the keys is being calm and emotionally intelligent yourself.

Our children model their behaviors off of what we do. So want a screaming angry child? Then be angry and always screaming yourself. Want a calm and gentle child? Then guess what? Yep! You guessed right! You have to be calm and gentle yourself.

After these key strategies I’m about to present to you, I went from yelling everyday and praying to God for patience and kindness to never yelling and feeling more at peace and contentment. If it can work for me, it can absolutely work for you.

Whatever you do, stay calm.

I can’t stress this enough. It doesn’t matter what’s going on. It doesn’t matter how escalated your children are or how bad they are fighting or how much they are screaming. You. Must. Stay. Calm. Do you want to know how to make a more chaotic moment worse? Start screaming yourself. It will only escalate the situation even more and leave you feeling horrible at the end of it.

Screaming and yelling may work in the moment. But it does 2 very bad things:

1. Teaches your child that when they are angry, screaming and yelling is an acceptable and normal response.
2. Redirects the focus from the bad action your child was just doing (like hitting or yelling) to your response. A moment where they could’ve learned they should not hit and reflected on that becomes a moment of focusing on how angry you got instead.

So it takes away a teaching moment and it replaces it with a moment of modeled bad behavior instead.

But I don’t know how to be calm.

Right? Same. It sounds so easy when I say it. Just stay calm and carry on right?

This part is so hard. The child’s screaming starts and you can feel your blood start to boil, feel your pulse quicken, your heart beat faster, and all you want to do is explode. Here’s a couple things I do that help me maintain that calm facade even if inside I’m fuming:

1. Slow your movements. Start literally moving your arms slower. Start slowing your pace. The more we can slow our body down, the calmer we can begin to make our nervous system.
2. Speak softly. Even if you have to whisper. Instead of trying to yell something to your child across the room, slowly approach them, get down on their level, and say quietly what you need to say. (I actually think this might be scarier to a child than yelling!)
3. Remove yourself. Depending on the situation, you may just need to leave the room entirely. There are certain scenarios where maybe you can’t, but when you can without fear of your child being harmed, do it. Go into a space to just do breathing exercises and come out when your heart has slowed down enough to do the first two on this list.

So what do I do instead of yelling then?

Model. This is the long-term strategy. The more you can model the behavior you want your children to have, the less you will have to intervene in the future.

Let’s use an example. Let’s say someone drops a glass in your home and spills juice all over your carpet and shatters the glass. Our old selves may have seen this happen, yelled from frustration, scolded whoever dropped the glass, and angrily cleaned it all up by ourselves. Our new selves will see this happen, take a deep breath, and begin getting the broom, paper towels, and stain remover out quietly. Then we will (calmly) ask the person who dropped the glass to help us clean up by giving them the broom and dustpan while you help get the stain out. See the difference?

Okay yes great, that’s nice for a long-term strategy. But my kid is hitting. What do I do if I don’t yell?

Let’s use the child hitting example. Maybe it’s a sibling who wants to play with a toy that the sibling won’t share. Before, we may have yelled at them across the room “DON’T HIT”, brought them to timeout, and shamed them. But for some reason, at the end of this, they hit again the next day and you always feel worse after punishing them.

Instead, try walking over to the child hitting, get down to eye level with them, and calmly (and quietly) say “we don’t hit”, holding their arm. Then you turn to their sibling and say “May I please have a turn with your toy?” The sibling will most likely give the toy to you and you can say thank you and then give it to the child who wants it. Now if the sibling says no when you ask, you can say “Okay, maybe after you’re done I can have a turn.” Then go and find another toy for the child to play with and lead them there.

If this still doesn’t work, then try this next strategy.

Redirect by asking for help.

If your child just won’t get over whatever they are so upset about, try redirecting by asking for help. So the child from the previous example can’t have a turn with the toy and they just won’t play with anything else. In this situation, invite your child into whatever you’re doing. If you’re cooking dinner, maybe bring them over to help you prepare the food or set the table. If you’re cleaning, give them a paper towel and spray to wash the windows. Fit the situation to what’s appropriate for their age. You can also have them help you outside with something. Getting outside is always a fantastic way to reset.

Children love to help and be invited into an adult’s world. So let them be a part of it. Knock out two things at once here. Remain calm and teach them how to help around the house.

Stop giving commands.

The more you have to command your child to do something, the less patience you have and the more prone you are to getting upset. So before you give commands, think:

1. Do I actually need them to do this thing?
2. Have I already asked them to do this thing?
3. Can I reframe this command as a choice?

So first, if you don’t actually need them to do something, try to hold your tongue. If it would be nice for them to do something, maybe try figuring out how to model it or just ask them instead of commanding. Want them to get their pajamas on for bed? Ask them, then just sit back. If they don’t do it, continue on with your bedtime routine. Brushing teeth, picking out a book to read. Eventually, they’ll figure it out on their own that they need their pajamas on and do it without you having to ask.

If you’ve already asked them to do something, avoid repeating yourself. The more we repeat ourselves, the more we train our kids to not listen to us the first time we ask them to do something. So depending on the situation, instead of repeating yourself, just gently (and calmly) guide them to do the action instead. Want them to get their shoes on for school? Ask once, give it a few moments, then hold their hand, bring them to their shoes, hold them out for them, and walk away.

Lastly, figure out if your command can be a choice. Instead of saying “time to go home, get in the car”. Try “time go to home, do you want to get in the car by yourself or do you need help?” Or instead of saying “eat your dinner”, try “are you going to eat your carrots or potatoes first?”

Actually, just stop talking.

Okay you can’t completely stop talking. But what I realized after finishing the book was we just talk way too much as parents. Set up a phone one day in your living area/kitchen space and just record yourself with your kids. Notice how many times you talk unnecessarily or give commands. It will shock you.

We don’t have to command our child to do everything, we can show them. You don’t have to fill every empty moment with a lesson. Don’t interject with how to play with a toy or give good jobs after every small movement (was that just me doing that before?). This is so hard to train out of ourselves as parents, but just take moments out of your day to listen to yourself as you interact with your children and think “do I really have to be saying all this?”

The less we talk and the more we simply listen, the more connected we will feel with our children. And you’ll have way less moments that trigger that anger in you.

I hope this helped at least a little bit reframe the way you think about approaching punishment and some strategies for lessening that anger. It takes work every day, it’s not a magical switch (though I wish it was). I still work on it every day, but I’ve gotten so much better and I have a happier household for it. Trust me, if I can figure it out, I’m 100% sure you can too.

Happy parenting!